


Sometimes we are a bit different

by sweetkisses



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Asexual Character, Asexual Dean, Case Fic, Dean-Centric, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, M/M, Sam is a Saint, Scared Dean, Self-Hatred, Semi Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-02
Updated: 2017-01-02
Packaged: 2018-09-14 03:15:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9157774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetkisses/pseuds/sweetkisses
Summary: This is Dean's journey and the story of how he finds himself with the help of his brother, Sam.





	

**Author's Note:**

> So this story is about Dean and how he struggles through life and his sexuality. A lot of this inspiration has come from personal experience as I am asexual myself. This summer was when I finally had a chance to give myself a title so this is very exciting for me. I wrote this super fast, a total of 3 days. It is very important to me and I hope some of you find it inspirational or maybe even just informative. My writing skills have fallen outta touch with me since I haven't wrote in over 2 years so this is kind of me getting back out into the fic writing world. Not that i'll post fics regularly. I also am going to be selfish and promote my old shitty fics from when I was in the One Direction fandom (larry) so if you're into that you can go and read that. 
> 
> I wanna give a shout out to AVEN which is the asexual site to be at and to my friend saira who read this before I decided to post this and gave me some pointers. Also want to thank this random girl from my one class at school for putting herself out there and showing me that you don't need to be afraid if you're asexual. 
> 
> If you don't know what aseuxal is, this fic is my version of my asexual story but more information can be found at the best site, AVEN (asexuality.org) 
> 
> Finally, I hope you enjoy my fic. All my contact information is at the end notes if you wanna talk. Also I don't own the characters blah blah blah etc etc.

| 

Dean Winchester first learned about sex at age eleven. 

 

It was at some random run down school that his dad, John Winchester, threw him into for three weeks while he hunted down a werewolf- no, no it was a vengeful spirit. (He can't really remember all that well, he was only eleven). Dean's teachers were a mix of nuns and some random chicks who they probably just hired right out of a crack house. The bathrooms of the school were poorly lit and only one stall had a door on it. The classroom had wooden desks and wooden chairs that Dean swears gave him butt splinters. But this story isn't about some run down school, so let's move on. 

 

It's lunch time now and for some reason this shitty school didn't have a true cafeteria. It had a kitchen but most kids just ate in the classrooms or hallways. Dean swears he saw some tiny girl run into the bathroom with her Charlie's Angels lunch box. Of course though, the three boys that Dean has made acquaintance with has decided that eating outside in fall was a smart idea. 

 

So, that's where we are. Dean leaning against the cold brick wall of the school. A boy named, Scott, sits next to him on the wall. This boy has bright blonde hair and seems to always have a stripe of dirt on his face. He wears his old brothers hammy down fall jacket and sweatpants- both of which look filthier than Dean's little brother Sammy at the park. (He plays in the dirt even though Dean wishes Sammy would play with him on the monkey bars). There are two other boys sitting across from Dean and Scott, they have their brown paper lunch bags in their laps. They're twins, Carson and Colin, both have jet black hair and dark brown skin. They wear the same jacket but underneath Carson has on a superman T-shirt while Colin's is a musty green colored shirt. Overall Dean doesn't really like these friends- no, sorry acquaintances. 

 

Dean is eating an apple for lunch today. He stole it from some punk at the park yesterday and washed it off in the motel bathroom sink. His dad forgot to pack him food, again. Lucky the boys don't questions Dean when he only pulls out an apple from his backpack and starts to eat. 

 

"Why do we always sit outside? It's freezing." Scott whines through his very crooked teeth. Dean nods in agreement and looks over at the twins. Carson just rolls his eyes but Colin speaks up. 

 

"Scott. Don't be a baby. We sit outside because we are cool kids-" Dean holds in a snort, "-and the cool kids sit under the high school bleachers for lunch."

 

"This doesn't seem like bleachers to me." Dean gestures around them. Colin rolls his eyes. 

 

"We are establishing our coolness now so that when we get to high school we can claim underneath the bleachers where we can do drugs and have sex like in the movies." Colin sips his juice box and looks around the group with wide eyes. 

 

"What's sex?" Scott blurts out. Dean is glad that Scott asked because now Colin and Carson are laughing at Scott's comment. Dean joins in acting as if whatever sex is everyone knows it. Dean is a smart kid, or at least that's what John's friends tell him. He knows about what hides in the dark and he knows that no one can truly be trusted but his family. So what, he's only eleven, should he already know what sex is? It sounds like a serious adult word. 

 

"Scott you're a dumb scum." Colin tells him. 

 

"You're eleven how do you not know what sex is?" Carson eyes him. "We will tell you though." Dean takes a bite of his apple, leaning in with curiosity.  

 

"Sex is when you put your dick." Colin starts.

 

"In a girls private parts aka vag." Carson finishes. Dean scrunches up his nose at that thought. 

 

"Don't you mean vagina?" Dean speaks up, happy he knows something. 

 

"Yes Dean, vag is a shorted name for it." Carson rolls his eyes before continuing. 

 

"There is also sex for fags-," Dean has heard that word before. His dad uses it a lot around other men who usually are wearing bright colors. "Where they put their dick in some dudes butt area." Dean flinches at that. So far all this sex shit sounds dirty, germy and gross. 

 

"Here." Colin reaches into his ripped book bag and rummages around before pulling out a magazine that Carson woos at. "This is a sex magazine." He sets the magazine between them all and flips it open while everyone leans in. The first thing Dean sees is a girl lying on a bed with her breasts out and her private areas hairy. He shrugs. Her boobs are nice and she has a pretty face, too much makeup though. 

 

"Wow, I would totally sex her." Scott says from Dean's right. Dean looks up and watches as Carson and Colin nod in agreement. Weird, Dean thinks. So far sex doesn't seem fun. 

 

"You can also get a blow job." Colin says and turns to a page with a girl who is naked and holding a banana in her mouth. Carson points to it. 

 

"It's when a chick puts her mouth around your dick." 

 

"That's so hot." Scott shifts forward. Dean just stares at her mouth. Her lips are covered in bright red lipstick that has smeared a bit while there is spit down the side of her mouth. So messy, Dean thinks. He wonders why people seem to like this so much, not just the sex and the blow jobs but these pictures, the magazine. It's all just odd to Dean. Why can't people just hold hands and cuddle in bed. Whatever this sex thing is, Dean doesn't like it. 

 

"I can't wait to have sex." Carson whispers. Dean shakes his head and leans back. He takes another bite of his apple and thinks about how he can't wait until his dad finishes this hunt so Dean can stop hearing about this sex stuff. 

 

*

 

Dean is 15 now. He's standing in a random motel bathroom touching his hair and wetting down the baby hairs with the water. 

 

"Where are you going?" Dean's little brother, Sammy, asks from the bathroom doorway. Dean rolls his eyes at him and fixes his new jacket. Dad  _finally_  bought him a new one after Dean's old one got stained with Djinn blood. 

 

"I'm going to a party." He answers and pushes past Sam to grab his boots. He sits on the edge of a bed and puts them on. "And you're going to stay here and lock and salt all the doors. I will be gone for two hours tops."

 

"And what am I supposed to do all alone here." Dean looks up at Sam. His arms are crossed while over his thin body. His dark brown hair is too long and falling into his eyes. Dean always asks to cut it off but Sam slaps him away. He's sassy for an eleven year old. 

 

"You are going to stay here and do some homework." Dean stands up. Sam and him about the same height, Sam just two inches shorter. Dean ruffles Sam's hair but the younger brother quickly pushes away with an eye roll. Dean walks towards the motel door swinging it open and winks at a moody Sam. "Salt and lock up." Dean shuts the door. 

 

The party isn't really a "party" it's more of a get together with 10 friends. Dean being the new hot one. 

 

Okay, calm down. 

 

Dean knows he is good looking. Girls and guys always are asking him out and while he's been on a few ice cream dates that's all he's done. Of course as the older he gets the more people are wanting to have sex with him. It started last summer while in Louisiana, his dad hunting some voodoo witch. Dean went on a date with a girl named Jessica and it was all fun they laughed and her hand was soft to hold. It all stopped when she held up a condom and Dean ran back to the motel with a headache. Sam looked at him questioning but didn't comment as Dean fell into their shared bed and gripped his hand. Dean held Sam's hand until the morning. Not that Dean slept, too busy worrying why sex didn't attract to him. 

 

Then there was this boy that Dean kissed in the science room after school one day. He asked Dean if he wanted to fuck but never got an answer because Dean was out the door and back in the motel room within ten minutes. 

 

And now the Winchester finds himself at some very lame party full of nine other kids who think that their root beer bottles make them look cool. Dean rolls his eyes at them. 

 

"Missy Hamilton is so ugly with her new glasses." A blonde girl says, Dean thinks her name is Sara. She's the girl that lives in this house. The other girls laugh and nod along in their circle of the room. 

 

"Missy's glasses might be ugly but she has a great pair of tits and I hear she gives amazing blow jobs." A ginger boy, Roy, says to Dean and another boy, Josh. Josh agrees quickly with a tiny smirk. Dean guesses that Missy blew him. He knows Missy, she helped him around the school for his first day of classes. She was very nice but her glasses made her eyes look like giant bug eyes. Missy does have a nice perky set of breasts though. That is something Dean can agree. 

 

"Her tits are nice." He nods along, trying to fit in. That's what he always does. Says shit that he knows people will like to fit in. He's already the new weirdo kid that lives out of a motel at every new school he goes too. Dean always wonders how Sam handles new schools and fitting in but whenever he asks Sam just growls about homework and then runs to the library. He is always at the library. Dean swears that Sam can smell where the library is no matter what town they're in. 

 

"Hey boys!" Taylor? shouts. Pausing Roy and Josh's conversation about how well Missy gives blow jobs. A conversation Dean tuned out as soon as it began. "Let's play seven minutes in heaven." And before Dean can even roll his eyes the other guys shout back yes.  

 

So that's how they end up in a circle Dean sitting between a boy named John and a girl named Carly. Dean hates this game. It's a child's game. He played it when he was 13 once but thankfully the parents kicked everyone out before Dean had to get locked in. 

 

Dean has watched three couples- six people go into the closet and come out with their hair a little messed up. He wonders if anyone fakes it like in the movies. Where they just talk and then ruffle each other's hair before walking back out. He doubts it though after he sees John Jefferson come out with a stain of white jizz on his pants. Dean cringes away from him. 

 

"Okay, Jasmine. It's your turn." Ashley says after she plots back down in the circle wiping her mouth. Nasty. Dean watches a girl who sits two people away from him reaches for the empty root beer bottle and spins it. Her pink painted fingers spin the empty bottle quickly. Dean watches with little interest as it slows down and lands directly on him.  _Course_. 

 

"It's me and you, babe." He winks at Jasmine. She's very pretty with her pink tang top on her shinny lipstick. Her boobs are a nice size and her skin is a light brown. She's beautiful, Dean wonders if he can just compliment her and make out with her a bit and get away with it. 

 

"Okay in you go." Sara stands up with them and follows them to the closest. Dean feels his palms beginning to sweat as she pushes himself and Jasmine inside. They don't speak at all, waiting as Sara winds up the cooking timer outside. "Your seven minutes start now!" Dean feels his heart drop as Sara locks the door. 

 

"So," Dean shoves his hands into his pockets and leans coolly against the closet wall, "you come here often?" 

 

"To Sara Smith's closet? No." She snorts and Dean smiles. Jasmine takes a step forward and places her hand on Dean’s chest. His heart beat speeds up but not with arousal but with anxiety. 

 

"Hey. I don't know what you do on your spare time. You could be shopping or you could be chilling in this closet. How do I know-?" Dean shuts his mouth as Jasmine puts her free finger on it, shushing him. 

 

"You talk too much for a pretty face." And she kisses him. Deans kissed before and this is no different. It's fun though and he likes kissing. Her lips are sticky with her lip gloss and her tongue is rough from something sugary. He gently places his hands on her arms. Unfortunately she seems to think that Dean wants more-  _which he doesn't-_ and she pulls back. Spits travels between them as Jasmine takes Dean's hands and places them on her tits. 

 

"Uh..." he stares at what she's done. In shock. In horror. She seems to think its lust in his eyes. Geez she must be dumb. 

 

"Squeeze them, pull them, I don't care." Jasmine mumbles out. Her lips go back to his. Dean kisses her back rough, trying to distract how awkward he is standing in a closet holding some chick’s boobs. He hasn't moved his hands yet, he thinks they're petrified. His whole body is petrified. But he also has no desire to move. He likes kissing that's fun but hands on boobs-  _nope_. They're nice and soft though like tiny little pillows. Slowly he squeezes his left hand. She moans into his mouth and pushes into his hands. Dean wishes he would have stayed home. 

 

Mistake number two was squeezing the boobs again, Dean just wanted to get another feel but Jasmine thought it meant let's keep moving forward. So when Jasmine shoves her right hand down the front of Dean's pants and boxers he panics. 

 

"Hey!" He yells and pushes her so hard back that her neck snaps as she hits the other side of the closet wall. Dean is sweating now, maybe because it's a small room, maybe because the people on the outside are yelling back to them or maybe it's because Dean just had his dick touched for the first time. 

 

Jasmine holds the back of her head and looks at Dean with horror. He stares back, probably looking scared with angry tears in his eyes. Dean says nothing as he hears Sara put the key in the lock and open the closet door. 

 

"You weren't even semi hard." Jasmine says to him, staring at his crouch now. "Are you gay? Or just a fucking  _freak_?" 

 

If she wasn't already hurt or a girl Dean would have punched her. 

 

"What?" Sara says standing in the doorway with everyone else crowded around. 

 

"He was playing with my tits and making out with me and he wasn't even turned on!" Jasmine shouts to Sara but doesn't take her eyes off of Dean. He feels like a rare lion that's on display at the zoo. Everyone blinks at him. 

 

"Do you not like hand jobs? Or boobs? Or sex?!" Someone from the other room shouts but Dean can't see behind a wall of tears he's holding back. 

 

"No- I. I just-." He attempts to explain but he hears Jasmine whisper freak at him again. So he spits at her and runs through the other eight kids watching from outside the closet. 

 

"Fucking freak!" Jasmine shouts but Dean didn't hear. His heartbeat is in his ears as he grabs his boots and bolts from the house. The Winchester doesn't stop running until he's back at the motel. Quickly he falls to the ground in front of their motel room and clutches his boots that he never managed to put on. He rocks himself as he cries into them. 

 

He's 15 and he's crying because some girl called him a freak. But she's right because he doesn't like sex. Hates every second of it and he doesn't need to try it to know it. He just knows it. 

 

Hell. He doesn't even beat off. Dean remembers his first boner at age 12. He woke up with it after a dreamless night. Dean went into the bathroom and touched his dick like John told him too when he gave him the "sex" talk. Happy that Dean was somewhat normal, as soon as he touched himself his dick started to soften. He tried to get it back up, kept stroking, and thinking of things but nothing turned him on. In that moment he was kind of proud of his body but now-

 

Now he's just a fucking freak. 

 

"Dean." 

 

Said boy turns around so fast it makes him a bit dizzy. It's his Sam. He's standing in the motel door, his hands wringing together, as he watches his big brother cry. Fuck, Dean you can't let Sammy see you cry. You're supposed to be strong for him. Always be strong. But again Dean seems to fail at being normal for another time in the last thirty minutes. 

 

Dean stops the sobs from his body and turns away from Sam. He looks at the street light across from their room and stares at it. Maybe he'll meet a witch one day and they can turn him into a street light or maybe a normal sex loving kid. Dean stiffens up as he feels his little brother sit next to him. The side of their bodies are touching as they both stare at the light. Dean bets that Sam will love sex when he's older. He'll be normal and live a life talking about his freak of an older brother. 

 

After a couple minutes, Dean has quieted his crying to just a few stray tears. He sighs and feels Sam turn his head to look at him. 

 

"I love you De." His little brother says and takes Dean's larger hand in his. 

 

Once Sam turns his head back to the street light Dean let's out new fresh tears, probably disappointing his little brother at how he can't be strong. But at least he doesn't know he's a freak. 

 

*

 

Dean makes another mistake a month later. 

 

They're at a new town. John is drunk in bed as Dean sneaks out to a party he was invited too. Last time, it didn't end so well. So Dean did some major thinking and maybe he didn't get hard because it was a girl. Maybe he is gay and not bisexual like he thinks. Or maybe only guys can get him up. So far though his theory hasn't been testing out so well because when Dean tries to get aroused, thinking about guys does nothing. 

 

So he's at new party. One he was invited to by Corey. The schools gay kid. And Dean is hopefully going to have sex with him. 

 

"So glad you made it!" Corey shouts over the music and puts a red cup into Dean's hand before Dean even has both feet in the door. 

 

"Wouldn't miss it if it meant seeing you." He flirts back and downs the red cup in one gulp. It's just beer but it's good and it places a cool feeling in his stomach, covering his butterflies. "Listen," Dean licks his lips and looks right at Corey who doesn't seem drunk at all. It is his house party though so he probably doesn't want to get wasted in case anyone breaks something. Maybe though Dean shouldn't be asking him to fuck but Dean needs a win in his weird scared sex life. 

 

"Yeah?" Corey asks, Dean seemed to be overthinking too long. 

 

"I'm just gonna get straight to the point. You're hot and I wanna fuck." Dean shouts over the music. "What do you say?" He steps back and holds out his arms, giving Corey the chance to check him out. Dean watches Corey. He's taller than Dean with dark brown hair that is semi long and pale skin. He has a tight shirt on that's showing off his muscles. He's fucking hot. Dean can say that much. 

 

"I'm glad you don't mess around." Corey smirks and grabs Dean's hand. He leads them through a string of high schoolers making out, dancing, grinding, drinking and talking. They end up upstairs in some room that Dean is going to assume is Corey's but he didn't have a chance to look because Corey pushed Dean against the wall and attacked his mouth. Corey is a good kisser. His lips are chapped and rough, just how Dean likes. Corey moans into Dean’s mouth when the hunter places his arms behind his neck and pulls him deeper. Their bodies are flush together, well expect their crotches. 

 

Corey pulls away and smiles at Dean before moving his mouth to Dean’s neck. People have done this to Dean before. It's nice, weird and it kind of tickles but it doesn't turn him on. Sighing Dean pushes Corey off and onto the bed, he crawls over him and starts to suck on Corey's neck in return. If Deans not going to get hard the least he can do is get Corey hard. Corey is moaning underneath him and trying to grind up into Dean. 

 

"Dean." Corey groans out and slips his hands down the back of Dean's jeans and boxers. His bare hands on Dean's ass. The hunter cringes in how bothered he feels. Corey starts to squeeze his ass and Dean is annoyed now. It's supposed to feel good and he's supposed to be hard and they're supposed to get naked and fuck. 

 

"Fuck!" Dean shouts. He's angry as he pushes off of Corey and storms out of the bedroom. Ignoring and leaving a hot and bothered man behind. He feels so betrayed by his body right now. Everything he does and tries it ends with him hurt and mad at himself. Sex just hates him. Maybe he's cursed with a sex curse that prevents him from enjoying it. 

 

_Or maybe you're a freak._

 

Dean punches a hole in whatever wall he is next too. People stare at him as he stomps out of the house and down the road. He needs to shoot something or stab something or kill something.

 

Anything please. 

 

So that's how Dean finds himself with a set of a dozen knifes behind their motel room. He's throwing them at a large tree quickly and hard. Then when he pulls them out he yanks off parts of the bark on purpose. He's yelling as he does it, lucky that John is passed out or otherwise he would yell and hit Dean for how stupid he is being. But he doesn't even care right now. 

 

"You're going to ruin that set and Dad is gonna be pissed because it's brand new." A voice says and Dean doesn't turn around to know its Sam. 

 

"Don't swear, you're not old enough." Dean growls and throws another knife. Sam creeps up on him the boy is so quiet Dean can't even tell he's there most of the time. Sam grabs the next knife before Dean can. 

 

"I'm old enough for things." Sam whispers, looking over the knife in his hand. There is silence for a second, the air filled with the night breeze and loud breaths from Dean. 

 

"Like what." 

 

"Apparently, sex." Sam finally throws the knife but Dean is too busy staring shocked at Sam to look to see where it hit. 

 

"What?" Sam shrugs at him and throws another knife. 

 

"Dad gave me the sex talk about a week ago-" 

 

"And why would he do that? I didn't get the talk until I was 12." Dean crosses his arms. Maybe his dad knew Sam was going to be banging left and right and Dean wouldn't be. 

 

"He was wasted so he probably didn't realize it. I already knew everything though. Some girl was talking about it at school the other day and I interviewed her." Sam throws two knifes at once. One landing high up the other at the trunk of the tree. He sighs. 

 

"You interviewed her? Sounds odd Sammy." Dean chuckles, his anger hasn't subdued but he can laugh. 

 

"I asked her some questions Dean, god. Then I asked her out and that's when I was." Sam walks to the tree and pulls out the knifes. Dean watches his little brother. He's wearing his nicest button down and cleanest jeans. His hair is a mess though and Dean wonders. 

 

"And how did that go?" Dean questions. 

 

"She talks too much about stupid things. I liked it." Sam blushes. Dean keeps questioning. 

 

"What did you guys do?" 

 

"We had dinner at some restaurant." One knife hits the tree, "and then I walked her home." A second knife hits the tree, "we kissed and then she asked me to have sex with her." A third, fourth and fifth knife hit the tree. There is a long pause where Dean opens his mouth and thinks of his next line. 

 

"And did you- did you have sex?" He clears his throat but his voice manages to go really high pitched at the end. 

 

"No," Sam shrugs and throws another knife as Dean feels the weight off his shoulders. "I'm only eleven Dee. I shouldn't be having sex and it's not like I could say when we are older because I won't see her then. We will be in some other state in some other town." Sam grunts as he throws another knife, obviously angry at his shitty life. Dean wants to say "dad does his best" but he can't bring himself to say it knowing that Sam will just fight with him. And Dean has other things he needs to know. 

 

"Do you wanna have sex? When you're older I mean?" Dean asks, changing the subject back to sex. He's still too curious. 

 

"Duh. I watched porn at Steven Porter's house a couple months ago and it was cool. I also read up on sex in the library and sex is the key to a relationship. It's the most intimate thing between two people. It's amazing that one day I'll get married and I'll have sex and get to be that intimate with someone." Dean throws a knife this time. 

 

"Sammy. You're eleven you shouldn't be thinking like that. You should be playing with mud and eating rocks." Dean puts his hand on Sam's shoulder. He somehow has grown two inches in the past month. "Be a kid. Don't worry about sex it just complicated everything." 

 

"Have you had sex?" Sam asks, ignoring everything Dean just said. 

 

"Stop Sammy." Dean growls. Not wanting to talk about his fucked up life to his perfect little brother who can't wait for sex. 

 

"It's Sam." He throws a knife. 

 

"Whatever." Dean throws two knifes perfectly. 

 

*

 

Dean is sixteen now. He hasn't had any more sexual experience because he's too afraid. Every time he tries to touch himself he lasts around fifteen seconds before he snaps his hand away. He's spent hours and hours watching endless porn. Sam comments on it, telling him his dick will fall off if he keeps it up. Little does he know the porn does nothing to Dean, it just makes him wonder how anyone seems to like sex. But in reality Dean's the weirdo who doesn't. 

 

Sam decided to go through puberty this summer once he turned twelve. He is taller than Dean now and brags it about it at every chance he gets. Usually Dean would fight back and call him a giant but Dean is focused on other things. 

 

Today, they're planning to move to another town for a new hunt that John found. Dean and John are packing all their things up while Sammy is at school doing some dumb after school chess club competition. They would have left yesterday but he begged and begged to stay for it. Dean jumped in and told his dad to rest one more day so Sam could go to his dumb thing. Sam told Dean thank you but in reality Dean wanted to talk to John with Sam out of the motel. 

 

So here we go. 

 

"Hey dad?" Dean asks, shuffling his feet from where he stands by the bathroom door. 

 

"Hm?" John grunts at him. He zips up a bag of weapons and turns to look at Dean. 

 

"Can I ask you something? Um, something about..." Dean takes a deep breath and pushes his nervous down. "About sex?" He whispers the last words. It's pathetic in all honestly. He's sixteen he should be fucking already and not asking his  _daddy_  questions about sex. 

 

"Did you knock someone up?" John asks as he turns to look at Dean. His face is stern and covered in wrinkles. Dean snorts at his father; knocking someone up is probably easier to deal with than not liking sex. 

 

"No," he chuckles and takes a deep breathe, "I was wondering if there are people who don't have sex?" 

 

"You mean like a priests? Do you wanna become a priests?" John asks. 

 

"No," Dean pinches his nose, "I wanted to know if there are people who don't like sex who just...don't _like_ sex?" Dean feels stupid. 

 

"Maybe, I don't know Dean. Everyone I met likes sex. Why are you asking? Did someone turn you down?" John asks and the younger Winchester is thankful that John doesn't think it's him. 

 

"Yeah," Dean lies, rubbing the back of his neck. "This chick told me that she doesn't get turned on and that she doesn't have sex." 

 

"Well, she's a freak then." Dean freezes. John looks bored with this conversation and turns his back on Dean, ending it. "Now grab a bag and put it in the impala we gotta go pick your brother up." But Dean doesn't move. 

 

"She's not a freak." He tells his dad. 

 

"Dean," John rolls his eyes, "she's a freak she doesn't like sex and everyone likes sex. It's how you have babies, it's the most intimate thing." 

 

"She's not a freak! Maybe you're all freaks for liking sex!" Dean shouts, angry at himself and his father. 

 

He's not a  _freak_. He's not. 

 

"Dean drop it okay! This conversation is over and Sam is waiting for us at the school." Usually Dean would nod his head and follow John to the car but his father calling him a freak makes his mind go a little wild. 

 

"No it's not over! You just don't care enough about me to actually have a conversation with me!" Dean yells, John is surprised and annoyed. Usually only Sam fights him because Dean is just his good little solider. "Maybe if you actually cared you would know that I'm not a freak and I'm-." 

 

"Enough!" John takes a step forward and back hands Dean making him stumble back gripping his check. John has always hurt him but now when Dean is trying to figure out himself and to prove he's not a- a freak it hurts the most. Dean glares at his dad through tear filled eyes and grabs two bags before heading to the car. Fuck his dad. He doesn't care. When has he ever cared? Sam's right, John wishes he never had sons. 

 

No one talks on their ride to the school to get Sam and Dean is grateful. 

 

"Hey! I won first place!" Sam shouts and hops into the car with his tiny metal around his neck. 

 

"Congrats Sammy. I didn't know they gave out metals for chess club." Dean turns around on the bench to get a better look at his smiley brother. He's so beautiful and happy and Dean wishes that they could stop and stay somewhere long enough for Sam to be happy and content. Then he wouldn't fight so much when they move. 

 

"Yeah. The real chess competition get trophies though." Sam puts his hand on the metal. He looks at Dean and frowns, probably noticing the bruise on his check. Dean blinks at him as Sam nods his head at dad and then gestures to Dean's check. Sadly, Dean nods his head and turns back around on the bench and stares out the window. Maybe he should open the door and just jump out to his death. 

 

*

 

It's been a week since Dean's talk with John and he's going to prove his dad wrong. And that's why Dean is at someone's house party with a red solo cup of different liquors in it sloshing over the ground and himself as he dances to the beat. He's wasted out of mind. Dean has never been this drunk before but who cares he's happy and he's having a good time. 

 

There's some brunette that he's grinding on, she's wearing short shorts and an orange halter top. Her tits are tiny but her ass is great. Dean is rubbing his free hand up and down the sides of her body, convincing his drunk brain that this is what he wants. That this is what normal people want. 

 

"Hey." Her mouth his on his ear now, sucking it into her mouth. "Let'sss fuck." She hiccups. Even wasted Dean wants to say no but he nods anyways. She grabs his free hand as he downs the rest of his drink and tosses the empty cup to the ground. She pulls him upstairs and into a random bedroom. Dean stumbles onto the bed and she falls down beside him. They make out sloppily with the girl under Dean. She's rubbing her arms up and down his sides. It's nice, doesn't feel good to drunk Dean though and he knows right away that he's not going to get hard. His plan failed but he's not going to run away. Sighing into her mouth Dean pulls away. 

 

"Just m'wanna finger you." He slurs out. Brunette nods happily and fumbles to push her shorts and thong off. Dean sighs when she spreads her legs apart. Her vagina is a little hairy and clean looking unlike the ones Dean has seen on porn. He's going to finger her and then he's going to get more drunk. Dean pushes two fingers into the hair and rubs them up and down her lips. This is easy, he thinks and when he rubs his thumb over her clit she moans loudly. 

 

It's not fun. The fingering of course. It's kind of boring but thankfully it only takes her five minutes to come. She arches her back and pushes down on Dean's fingers as she shouts out. The hunter sighs, he's not hard or even slightly turned on. He's just bored. So after he wipes his fingers on the bed sheets he leaves her there, pant-less. 

 

He's more drunk now, five more cups of weird colored liquor. 

 

Dean's in a bathroom on his knees. Some boy with long dark brown hair stands in front of him. Well two of the boy really, Dean is too drunk to even see straight. He does know that if he's not okay with people touching him he'll just pleasure everyone else. The guy in front of him zips his pants down and whips out a normal sized cock. Thankfully it's not as big as the ones on porn. And thanks to porn Dean knows how to blow this guy, even with how drunk is he. 

 

Dean puts his lips around the tip of the cock and sucks lightly. The boy above him moans happily. Slowly Dean moves down the boy’s dick; sucking and moving his tongue along it. It's gross. Worse than the sticky wetness from the girls vagina. Maybe because it's in his mouth or maybe because Dean can feel his empty stomach sloshing around with just strange liquor inside it. 

 

The guys hand is in Dean’s hair now and guiding Dean up and down his cock. The hunter wishes that he would just come already so he can go back to the motel and throw up. The cock is heavy in his mouth and it stretches his lips wide. The guy is moaning obnoxiously loud and Dean hates it. He moves up and down faster and sucks harder. Maybe this guy will come fast. 

 

He does. It takes about a minute of Dean really going at it before his mouth floods with jizz. The young hunter pushes the guy away and stands up. He spits the guy’s jizz in the sink and walks out the bathroom and out of the party.  

 

It's cold out and Dean's drunk but he's also sober enough to know that tonight was a fail and he's still a fucking freak. Maybe less of one though. 

 

*

 

Dean is eighteen now. He's hunting more and not caring as much about high school. He begs John to take him to hunt and when he accepts Dean takes the form of the perfect little solider. Sam told him one night that it's Dean life and that he doesn't need to listen to dad. Dean just told Sammy to worry about himself. 

 

Dean's life is a bit different when it comes to sex. He is too afraid to admit to himself that he's a complete freak so he spends most of the weekends at parties pleasuring people. He fingers boys and girls and gives them oral sex but when they try to reciprocate Dean makes the excuse that he needs to go watch his baby brother. It's not fun. Dean's sex life. He hates doing it but he does it to prove that he's not a freak like how his dad thinks and all those other people who called him one. It's not healthy but is anything in Dean's life healthy. He killed his first vampire a month ago and last week he dug up a grave with his little brother. It sucks but it's Dean's life and he needs to get used to it.

 

Sam has been sassier to John lately. Keeps saying he wants a normal life and to not hunt. John doesn't like that one bit. He blames Dean for what comes out of Sam's mouth. Dean blames himself as well, he raised Sam while John was hunting and drinking. Now Sam wants a normal apple pie life. Dean has so far failed at everything. 

 

"I got an A on that paper I wrote." Sam tells his older brother who kicks a rock. They're walking home from the library. Usually it's just Sam but Dean decided to join him even though all he did was flirt with the younger librarian. He got her number.  _Woo_. 

 

"That's good Sammy." Dean tells him, half listening as his brother babbles on. It's hot out today and Dean is only wearing a t-shirt making him feel exposed. If you're a Winchester you wear an average of three layers every day. God Dean can't even do being a Winchester correctly. 

 

"Dean!" Sam waves his hand in front of his face, breaking Dean out of his thoughts. 

 

"Huh?" Dean looks down at this brother who rolls his eyes at him.  

 

"I asked you a question," Sam sighs, "I wanted to know if you could buy me something?" He sounds nervous and Dean's big brother mother instincts kicking in.

 

"Why? Sammy what's up did something happen? Do I need to call dad?" Dean turns on him and places his hands on Sam's shoulders. He look him in the eye, beautiful hazel eyes. 

 

"No, Dean. God calm down." Sam shakes off his arms but they continue to stare at each other. 

 

"Then what's wrong?" Dean asks. 

 

"Can you buy me condoms and lube?" Sam asks, completely calm and non-embarrassed. 

 

"What?" Dean takes a step back and rubs his hand over his face. 

 

"I wouldn't have asked but Brittney can't get any because her parents might find out and I spent my last ten dollars on a new book for class. I just need a small pack." Sam explains sounding almost bored. 

 

"You're fourteen." Dean whispers. His little brother likes sex. He wants to have sex. He probably has had sex. And here Dean stands in front of him now knowing that he is a freak and even Sam would agree. 

 

"Yeah?"

 

"You can't have sex Sammy you're still a kid." Dean crosses his arms over his chest. 

 

"I can and I have." Sam snaps at him. "Besides you can't tell me what to do you've been having sex every weekend since forever." Dean snorts if only Sammy knew he's just been getting drunk and then getting people off with disgust. "Plus you watch more porn than I knew was even out there." Sam flicks his hair, moving the bangs out of his eyes. Dean knows he could explain to Sam and hope that maybe Sam would understand him but this is Dean Winchester and he doesn't 'talk'. 

 

"You wish you watched as much porn as me." Dean smirks. He wishes he watched zero porn. Sam rolls his eyes at him. 

 

"Please Dean. I really like this girl." Sam begs this time and Dean finds himself nodding along. 

 

"Fine. Let's go to the store then." 

 

At the store Dean follows Sam to the aisle. It's lined with condoms, pregnancy tests, lube and other girl products such as tampons. Dean's hands are deep in his pocket as he watches Sam scan the section of lube. He's so embarrassed to be here and his body is tense but he holds a smirk on his face to appear calm. 

 

"What brand do you usually use?" Sam asks him and doesn't take his eyes away from whatever lube box he is reading.

 

"It doesn't matter they all do the same thing." Dean says wide eyed. He reaches his hand out and grabs the cheapest box. As he reads it an idea pops in his head. 

 

"That's true." Sam grabs the same brand that Dean has in his hands and then moves further down the aisle to the condoms. "Condoms are different though, you gotta get the extra thin ones or else you don't feel anything." Sam tells a nervous Dean. What is he getting at? Telling his older brother how he likes to fuck. Dean doesn't care he needs to get back to the motel and see if he can do his plan. 

 

"TMI Sammy. I'm your big brother I don't need to know that." He sighs, "get your shit and meet me at the checkout." Dean stomps away and up to the counter where a cute boy stands behind it. He's probably older than Dean and he's less built. 

 

"Hey." The guy says when Dean sets down his box of lube. 

 

"Hey, I'm Dean." He winks at him. 

 

"I'm straight." The guy scans his box as Sam comes up and sets down a box of lube and condoms. Dean can't tell what kind Sam got because he flipped it upside down. "And it seems you are already occupied." He says and waves a box of XL condoms at Dean and Sam. 

 

"He's my older brother." Sam deadpans. Dean is in shock right now. Sam is getting lube and fucking XL condoms to fuck some bitch and Dean is going to try to finger himself in the motel bathroom in hopes to get turned on. Yeah, you read that right. 

 

"When are you seeing your girl?" Dean asks, swinging their bag of goodies. 

 

"Tonight. Her parents are going to date night." 

 

"Well have fun I guess." Dean smirks. 

 

*

 

The bottle of lube is a small white tube that is not even bigger than Dean's middle finger. It is also the most threatening thing in the bathroom. So here's the plan, Dean is going to try to get hard and get off by fingering himself and hitting his prostate. 

 

"This better fucking work or so help me God." He tells himself. Dean checks to make sure the bathroom door is locked even though he's done it three times already and John is god knows where and Sam is fucking some bitch. "Okay Dean, you can do this." 

 

He pulls his pants and underwear down. His dick is limp and hanging down like it always is. It's never hard. Dean can't honestly remember if he's ever come, but he's never truly wanted to come. Like right now standing in the poorly lit bathroom he knows this is a bad idea. It isn't going to be a happy ending. Sighing the Winchester opens the bottle and squeezes some onto his fingers. He leans down, placing his left forearm on the sink and spreading his legs open. Slowly he reaches back and puts his fingers over his hairy hole. 

 

Dean instantly wants to cry but he holds his tears in and rubs the hole. It's not hot, it isn't doing anything expect making him frustrated. Maybe he needs to give it more time. Angrily Dean rushes himself and pushes a finger into his hole. It's only up to the knuckle but it hurts like hell. Dean groans as he moves his finger trying to open himself up. He knows what he's doing, he's fingered enough guys but doing it to yourself sucks. It's even dirtier knowing that Dean's own fingers are up his ass. He knows where it's been. Soon enough Dean is loose and has two fingers deep in. He's been moving around for the prostate for the last ten minutes. 

 

"Fuck this!" Dean shouts and rips his fingers out of his ass. He looks into the mirror, he's crying and has been since the second finger went inside himself. It didn't work, he  _knew_  it wouldn't have worked. Why did he even try? Oh yeah, because it wanted to prove he wasn't a freak. He just wants to be fucking normal god forbid. But here Dean stands, staring at his own reflection. His face is strong and shaped nicely with lines of freckles across his nose and cheeks. His eyelashes are stuck together with tears and his eyes are red. A lot of people call him pretty and Dean can agree. He's not cocky he just...knows. Usually Dean can open his mouth and can charm anyone. Now though, he's just going to except that he'll never have and enjoy sex. Never. 

 

"It's because you're a  _freak_." He mumbles to his reflection. "You're a fucking freak!" He shouts. Dean bends down and pulls his pants up. He shoves the lube to the bottom of the trash can and grabs the door handle. Before he can open it though he looks at the mirror one last time. The letters  _f-r-e-a-k_ float across his forehead. Dean doesn't hesitate to punch it, the mirror shatters around him as he leaves the bathroom. 

 

It's dramatic but that's how Dean Winchester works. 

 

Dean sits on the edge of a bed as he watches the blood from his hand drip onto the carpet. The hunter clenched and unclenches his fist, quickening the blood flow. He's been sitting here for about three minutes staring at the blood and wishing and hoping. He's too focused on the blood to hear the motel door open and close, someone entering.

 

"Shit, Dean!" Sam shouts at him. Dean doesn't look up. "Hey hey, are you okay what happened? Dean!" Sam is frantic as he looks at Dean's hand and then around the room looking for a sigh of damage. Lastly he puts his hand on Dean's cheek lightly causing their eyes to meet.  

 

"M'hurt my hand." Dean mumbles out as silent tears fall down his face. He doesn't care that Sam is seeing him. Sam knows he's a freak too, it's written across his forehead for god’s sake. He doesn't need to be strong anymore. 

 

"Yeah, you did." Sam's thumb rubs over Dean's check, catching a few tears. "Stay here I wanna check how bad it is." Dean doesn't move anything as Sam plops back down on the floor in front of him and grabs for Dean's hand. There are shards of mirror still sticking out of his hand. "No stitches but I'm gonna bandage you up." Sam says even though Dean is vaguely listening. Slowly Sam starts to pull out the mirror pieces and apologizes each time Dean flinches. 

 

"How did your date go?" Dean asks when Sam wipes the cuts with rubbing alcohol, Dean hisses at the burn. He's finally stopped crying. 

 

"It didn't. Her parents came home ten minutes after I got there and I had to sneak out of her bathroom window." He laughs dryly. 

 

"You sound like a true player. Are you gonna ask her out again?" Dean is talking lowly.

 

"No," Sam shakes his head and pats Dean's knuckles dry, "I have my eye on someone else." He blushes and looks away from Dean. 

 

"You are a little player aren't you?" Dean chuckles dryly. Sam just sighs as he begins to wrap Dean's hand. 

 

"Why did you punch the mirror, Dean?" Sam asks quietly. 

 

"People do dumb things in their life Sam." 

 

"Punching a mirror is probably the dumbest thing that you have done." Sam tells him. 

 

"A whole part of my life is dumb and no matter how hard I try to fix it I can never manage it." Dean admits. He hates talking but he's vulnerable right now. 

 

"What do you mean?" Sam's eyes flicker between Dean's blank face and the wrecked hand.

 

"I mean that I'm different. I've been trying my whole life to be normal and now I finally have given up and accepted who I am." Dean is talking more to himself than Sam now. He's done trying this whole sex thing, he hates sex, and he doesn't want it. Period. 

 

"Everyone is different in their own way Dean. But I'm really different too, people would hate me and make fun of me if I told them." Sam finishes wrapping Dean's hand and beings to put the supplies away. "Dad always comments how we are completely different but I like to think that we aren't that different after all." Sam moves so he's sitting next to Dean on the bed.  

 

"You're too smart for your age you know that." Dean chuckles. 

 

"So are you. You just hide it." Sam nudges their shoulders together.  "I'm going to clean up the bathroom while you go to bed." Sam stands up and pushes Dean back onto the creaky motel bed. 

 

"Since when have you become the big brother?" Dean glares but shuffles under the covers. 

 

"Since you need to be taken care of for once." Dean smiles as he closes his eyes. 

 

*

 

Dean finds himself at the library the next day. He walked Sam there and decided to stay himself. Sam has been acting weird today. He walked really close to Dean on the way to the library and touched Dean's arm about 10 times for the last hour. It's nice and cute but Dean has other things on his mind. When they get to the library Sam runs off to the mystery and history section while Dean wonders the other way. 

 

He finds a book titled " _Sexuality Wonders_ " in the maternity section of the library. Dean sneaks out of the aisle and to the corner of the library where he knows no one will find him. The book is new, coming out only a year earlier and is written by a women named Jordy Wilson. He flips open the book to the first chapter. 

 

_"What sexuality are you?"_

 

"Let's hope this works." Dean whispers. The chapter is full of different definitions of the millions of sexual identity. It’s crazy how many different titles there are out there? One in particular checks Dean's eyes. 

 

_Asexual- Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction to anyone, or low or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity._

 

It's close. Dean is attracted to people, not sexually but he knows how to appreciate a good body when he sees one. He keeps reading. 

 

_Asexuality is also be an umbrella term used to categorize a broader spectrum of various asexual sub-identifies. (Page 64)_

_Page 64_

_Grey asexual- The spectrum between asexuality and sexuality. Grey asexuality is considered the gray area between asexuality and sexuality, in which a person may only experience sexual attraction on occasion._

 

_Individuals who identify with grey asexuality are referred to as being grey-a or gray ace and make up what is referred to as the "ace umbrella"._

_Demisexual- Demisexuality refers to those who "may experience secondary sexual attraction after a close emotional connection has already formed"._

_Demisexuals are considered part of the asexual community because for the most part, they don’t feel sexual attraction. Many demisexuals are only attracted to a handful of people in their lifetimes, or even just one person._

 

Dean reads over the pages three times before coming to a conclusion. He's asexual. He has to be. " _Lack of sexual attraction to anyone, or low or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity_ " that describes Dean perfectly. He has an absent interest/desire for sex. He feels pressured to do it because it's the social norm but now he doesn't care. He's asexual, ace, and he's kind of happy that he now has a title. He's also not alone. 

 

The two asexual subgroups are a bit confusing for Dean. He wouldn't be grey-asexual because he's never experienced sexual attraction " _on occasion_ " as the book says. Then demisexual says that he'll be attracted to someone one day and Dean doubts that as well. Even if he finds the perfect person he probably still won't want sex. 

 

In conclusion, Dean Winchester is slightly happy to say that he's asexual. 

 

*

 

Dean has a pounding headache so he turns the impala’s radio off. There has been so much noise and yelling tonight Dean just wants silence. Sam sits next to him in the passenger’s seat. He has an envelope that holds a bus ticket. Apparently he bought it two weeks ago, only a month after he decided to go to Stanford. Yeah, that's tonight. Sam finally told Dean and John who did not take it well. Dean didn't fight, did say anything actually except that he would take Sam to the bus station. 

 

It's a quiet short ride, fifteen minutes of silence and a weird feeling in the air. When they finally arrive Dean doesn't know if he should get out, doesn't know if he's ready to see his brother shipped away. Sam must feel the same way because they sit in the car for five minutes. In the end Dean finds himself standing on a platform waiting for the bus with his little- yet much taller, brother. 

 

"I’m going to miss you, you know." Sam says. It's the first thing he's said directly to Dean in the last forty-five minutes. 

 

"Yeah." Dean sighs. "Listen, Sammy." 

 

"Yeah Dean?" He turns to his brother looking hopeful for some reason. 

 

"You promise me that you're going to be safe. That if you get in trouble or need anything to just call me okay? I'll be in California as quick as I can. I'm just one call away." Dean takes a deep breath. "I'm proud of you though, getting this, and going for yourself." Dean mumbles out, it sounds dumb but he knows that Sam understands. 

 

"You could come with me." Sam rushes out, Dean's eyes widen. Sam looks so hopefully right now, his face is lit up even though half of it is hidden with his hair. 

 

"What are you saying?" 

 

"I have another ticket," Dean is surprised when Sam fishes out two bus tickets out of the envelope in his big hands. "You can come with me. I already read about housing options, there is one with an apartment where we can live together and you can get an actual job and I can go to classes." Sam sounds so excited, he's talking fast he's probably been waiting for the perfect moment to ask Dean. 

 

"I'm-I'm so confused." Dean's eyebrows raise. Sam takes two steps forward, leaving little space between them.

 

"I, just. Just-" and Sam kisses him. It's warm and Sam has rough lips. It's basically amazing if the big brother is completely honest and Dean thinks for a second that maybe he could do this. Live with Sam, date Sam. It's all surreal and crazy and insane. Yet makes all the sense in the world. Sam's lips feel like home though, it gives Dean butterflies and makes him smiles against Sam's lips.

 

"I love you." Sam whispers against Dean's mouth. The older brother nods in agreement and snakes his arms around Sam's neck. He's never thought of Sam as more than a brother but in this moment, this is real and it's good and maybe he loves Sam back. 

 

No not maybe, he does. 

 

"Wait." Dean leans back, he can't do this. "I can't do this." He takes one, two, three steps away from his brother. "You go live your life Sam. I- i need to take care of Dad, I need to save people. I can't be stuck in some job and living in an apartment. I'm not like that I'm a hunter Sam." 

 

"Screw dad! Screw hunting you don't even like it that much." Sam begs. "You and me Dean, we can be good together I promise." He steps forward and takes Dean's hands. It brings back the time that Dean punches the mirror, the day before he figures out he was asexual. If he goes with Sam then Sam will want sex and when he doesn't get it he'll leave. Dean knows it. 

 

"Sammy. Go." Dean whispers. Sam has tears in his eyes now and it's all because of Dean. 

 

"Goodbye." Sam pecks his lips one last time before Dean pulls away and walks back to the impala. 

 

Dean waits and watches the bus leave and he wishes nothing more than to be on it. 

 

*

 

"So get this-." 

 

"Nope. Coffee first." Dean shushes Sam with a wave of his wrist. He's wearing the grey dead guys robe again, sue him it's comfy. Dean grabs the coffee filled mug that Sam set out for him and plops into the seat across from the tall hunter. His little brother is smiling lazily at Dean. It's cute, Dean thinks. 

 

Oh yeah, Dean is in love with Sam. After Sam left for Stanford Dean when to a bar and got drunk. He told the bartender how he loves his Sammy and how he just lost his Sammy. It’s a few years later when dad went missing and Dean had to get Sam to help. When he saw his little brother with his new blonde friend Dean was jealous. He wishes it was him that Sam had his arm around. Not Jess. She was nice though and beautiful. Had green eyes just like Dean and a bit of Dean wishes that Sam picked her because of their eye similarities. 

 

After that shit went down. Jess died. Dad died. Sam died but he came back but then Dean died for Sam. An angel brought Dean back. A bunch of their friends died. They saved a lot of people though, but they also started the apocalypse. But they also stopped that apocalypse. Sam went to hell with Lucifer for a year. (Dean spend most of that time laying on Bobby's couch) Sam lost his soul (that was the worst time for Dean). Bobby died. Cas, the angel that saved Dean, released a new monster etc. etc. 

 

Each year gets crazier and crazier but in the end Dean can come to the conclusion that he loves Sammy. He's hasn't told him that yet. No, no! Dean and Sam have both seemed to forgot about the kiss at the bus station and Sam's confession of love. Sometimes after hunts Dean thinks that he can tell Sam his feelings but the whole asexual thing holds him back. But they are much older now and a big part of Dean says that if Sam still loved him he would have spoken up. 

 

"Okay, go." Dean sips his coffee, mentality thanking Sam and God for giving him this coffee. He eyes up Sam's muffin. 

 

"So, this girl in a town called Switchville, Colorado was found naked and dead in her bedroom. There is so sign or rape or struggle and the cops are saying it's a stroke. Apparently though, she was still "wet" and her hormone levels where through the roof when they found her." Sam summaries from the article off his laptop. 

 

"Is this a sex murder? Is that what you are telling me right now?" Dean slips his hand his hand across the table and slides a piece of the muffin back to himself. It's blueberry. And delicious. 

 

"Seems like it. But get this a week ago some dude die the same way. Naked with his cock still hard. They seem to be dying while having sex though because the guy’s roommate said he heard them moaning and then he died." 

 

"So some creature is fucking these losers and then killing them?" Dean has ate half the muffin now. 

 

"Probably but I feel like it's more than that. Will you stop it!?" Sam slaps Dean's sneaky hand away from his muffin. Dean dives across the table for the rest of the muffin. 

 

"Just let me have one more bite!" Dean swipes for it but Sam grabbed it before him and holds his long ass fucking arm as far away from Dean as possible. 

 

"No!" Sam yells but Dean isn't giving up. He climbs across the table and tackles Sam to the ground. The young hunter continues to stretch his arm out and Dean just crawls up the ground and snatches the muffin from Sam's hand. He shoves the rest in his mouth and fist pumps the air. 

 

"Fuck you Sam I win!" Pieces fall out of his mouth as he shouts. Sam turns his body on his side and looks at Dean who is sitting on his heels. 

 

"I made you coffee and you stole my muffin." Sam gives his puppy dog face. Dean blushes and looks away. They're flirting so hard. It's gross. But a good gross. Fuck he's in love. 

 

"Yeah whatever. So get your shit and meet in baby in 10 so we can go to Splitsville and gank some sex killers." Dean stands up and starts to walk back to his room. He doesn't like this case already, he has a bad feeling about it. 

 

"It's Switchville!" Sam shouts after him. 

 

*

 

"Why do we always pick the shadiest diners?" Sam sighs as he sits in the booth with a suspicious looking stain on him. 

 

"Because they have the best food." Dean mumbles as he looks at the menu. 

 

"Anyways, we eat and then the morgue to check the bodies and then we interview the first victims roommate and the mom of the second victim who found her." Sam lists off.  

 

"Sounds good." 

 

"Hey boys, what can I get for you?"  The waitress walks up. She's tall and thin with nice tits and curly brown hair that is pulled back in a pony tail. 

 

"Can I have the Greek salad and a water please?" Sam orders. 

 

"And for you handsome?" She turns to Dean with a wink. 

 

"I think I'm gonna get the mountain burger and a water as well." Dean sets the menu down and smiles nicely at her. He doesn't feel like flirting, it’s fun but not when Sam is watching. 

 

"Coming right up honey." She winks again before walking away. 

 

"Wow, she really wants you man." Sam says, his voice neutral. Dean shrugs. 

 

"I'm very requested by many." Dean smirks and looks at the window, checking on his baby. Still shinning in the light. 

 

"She probably is going to give you her number and then you're going to leave to fuck her tonight." Sam sighs. Dean watches him for a moment. Ever since Dean picked Sam up at Stanford he's being doing this "sex" thing. Aka Dean tells Sam he's going out and comes back much much later with his hair shuffled a bit. He usually just goes to the bar or for a walk. He hasn't had anything sexual for over about fifteen years. 

 

"The fuck Sam? Calm yourself okay. You're being so weird." Dean glares at him and Sam just turns away. They don't talk for the rest of their lunch and when they leave the waitress gives Dean her number. Typical. 

 

When they get to the morgue Sam talks to the doctor and gets them inside. Dean meanwhile just watches Sam and admires how good he looks in a suit. It makes him look older than 29 but he is stunning.   

 

"It's weird. I've never seen a body where it is still in an orgasm like this." The doctor pulls back the blanket of the first victim, a man named Conner. His skin is pasty white and his hair is a dull blonde. "We had to tape down his private area since no matter what we do it's still very much erect." He gestures to the lower part of the body. 

 

"Thank you doctor. We would like to look at these alone, FBI business." Dean tells him with his signature smirk. 

 

"Yeah, of course." He nods and leaves them in the cold room. 

 

"Are you okay with this case?" Sam's asks suddenly. 

 

"Uh, yeah? Should I not be?" Dean questions, looking as confused as he can. Hopefully he doesn't give away his horror with this case. A case about a sex creature, Dean does not like. 

 

"Um, yeah no you're right." Sam shuts up after that. Dean walks over to the second victim, a girl whose name is Holly. He checks her mouth, nothing. Her hair, nothing. Her eyes, nothing. Her breasts, nothing. Dean knows what is next as he pulls the rest of the blanket down her body. He sighs as he slips his glove covered fingers towards her vagina. 

 

"What are you doing?" Sam stops him, gripping his wrist. 

 

"I think there might be evidence since she's still wet so I'm checking." He glares at Dean. 

 

"Okay, but I'll do it then." Sam pushes Dean outta the way and slips his own finger into her. 

 

"I could have done it." He couldn't. Dean crosses his arm and watches his brother feeling up a corpse. Fucking weird. 

 

"Nothing seems to be here." He pulls his fingers out and the gloves are now bright green. 

 

"Why is her pussy green?" Dean whispers. Sam rubs his finger together, feeling the substance. 

 

"It seems normal."

 

"Doesn't look normal. Do you think Conner has the same thing? Maybe it's in his dick though and we can't get that out." Dean walks over to the other body and pulls down the blanket. 

 

"I'm not cutting into a dick so I'm gonna say he has green substance as well." Sam takes off his gloves and covers the girl back up. "Come on, let's go interview some people before we do research." 

 

*

 

"It's a nice apartment you have." Sam smiles at the victim’s roommate, Chris. His voice is high pitched and smells a bit but he's nice enough to let them interview him. 

 

"Thank you." Chris says and sits across from where Sam and Dean are on the couch. 

 

"So how long have you known Conner?" Dean starts, sitting forward so that he seems more professional. 

 

"Conner and I graduated college together, we had the same major and both moved to Colorado for our careers." Chris explains, staring wide eyed at Sam for some reason. 

 

"That's cool, what major?" Dean asks, trying to keep the conversation light before they dart in with weird ass questions. 

 

"Computer science. It's nerdy but we like it. Or I like it, Conner  _liked_  it." He rubs his hands together. "It's so weird to think he's dead." 

 

"Yeah, we are very sorry for your loss. It's a difficult time for you so we will get through a few questions and leave you be." Sam says softly, taking out his little note pad that Dean makes fun of. 

 

"Okay." Chris nods. 

 

"Had Conner been doing anything weird before he passed? Going out more? Maybe he found a new girlfriend? Talked about weird things?" Sam dives in. 

 

"Uh, well, not that I know of. I mean he did start going to this bar lately but only like two or three times." 

 

"And what's the name of the bar?" Dean asks. Chris doesn't look at him, still staring at Sam for some reason. 

 

"Long bull bar. It's sleazy but I've only been in it once. Lot of weird dudes there." He chuckles at himself. 

 

"Do you know if Conner might have met someone there?" Chris shakes his head. 

 

"He's been pretty normal lately except for the bar thing. I mean the only weird thing is waking up to find your roommate dead from a stroke. Such bullshit. Do you think he was murdered? Is that why you guys are here? That's so fucked up." 

 

"We don't know for sure but we will find out for you." Sam stands up, Dean following. "We thank you for your time and again, sorry for your loss." He smiles and they let themselves out. 

 

"That guy was weird." Dean starts, loosening his tie a bit. 

 

"He's just lost his best friend Dean let him go." 

 

"It's not that, he didn't even look at me. Just kept staring at you the whole time." Dean pulls open baby's door. "Do you know him?" He aka once he sits down.

 

"No Dean I don't. I don't know maybe he just couldn't get over how handsome I am." Sam jokes and looks over at Dean who just rolls just eyes.  

 

"Or that you're Sasquatch." 

 

*

 

The next victim’s house is nice. Small but nice. They speak to her mom, Mrs. Cooper. She's a short little lady with bright red hair. 

 

"My daughter was a lovely lady. She was the brightest in her class and can cook the best pasta you can image." Mrs. Cooper talked slow and quietly as if she was telling them a secret. 

 

"Did Holly act a little weird before she passed?" Dean starts, not wanting to sit in this stuffy perfume smelling house any more than necessary. 

 

"She did go to this bar with a couple of her girlfriends the night she passed. They were all going for a nice fun night and then next thing I know Holly isn't waking up." Mrs. Cooper beings to cry. "She was my only daughter you know, her father passed a few years ago and it's just been us." Dean rolls his eyes, it's sad he knows but they got to finish this case and save some lives. 

 

"We are very sorry Mrs. Cooper. If we could just ask you one more question we will be out of your hair." Sam soothes her. 

 

"Yes darling?" She reaches for Sam's hand, it looks huge next to hers and Dean holds in a laugh. 

 

"Could you tell us where this bar is?"

 

*

 

"Before we go in do you wanna call Mrs. Cooper and ask her to join you on a date?" Dean jokes but Sam just pushes the hunter through the bar door. There are only a few customers in it right now, and Chris was right it's extremely sleazy. Dean follows Sam to the bar, stepping over a weird stain on the ground. 

 

"Hello, I'm agent Hicks and this is my partner agent Ripley." They flash their badges together. Smooth. "We were wondering if you're seen these two victims in your bar within the last month?" He slides two pictures towards the bartender. 

 

"The girl was here a couple days ago I think. She was hanging out some girl that I've never seen before." The man reaches for a glass and begins to shine it. Typical, Dean thinks. 

 

"Has the guy come in since?" Dean leans against the bar. 

 

"Nope, just that one time with that girl. They drank, didn't cause problems and then left." He shrugs. 

 

"What about the guy?" Sam asks. 

 

"I'm not sure. Maybe he was here, maybe not I don't really look around for people." 

 

"Well, thank you for your help." 

 

*

 

"It's an Incubus." Sam announces not even two hours since they left the bar and got back to the motel room. He spins the laptop towards Dean showing him a drawing of a lady lying in bed with a winged creature standing next to her. "They are an ancient creature from the time of Gilgamesh. They need sex, it's there food. So they find someone and they kiss them, pushing their said to be bright green saliva into their victims mouth. Their victim becomes horny and the incubus fucks them until they die." 

 

"Hm, sounds nasty and rape-like." Dean admits, scrolling through the website that Sam just summaries. He hates this case. "Well we know it hangs out at that bar but how do we know who it is?" 

 

"Apparently the incubus has a neon green tint in their eyes." Sam explains. 

 

"You're telling me that people are sleeping with someone who has fucking neon eyes?" Dean shakes his head. 

 

"They might be too drunk to notice maybe?" Sam shrugs. 

 

"Well, how do we kill it?" 

 

"It's an exorcism, a long one though that requires a drop of the exorcist’s juice." Sam takes a sip of his beer. 

 

"I'm sorry? Juice?" Dean knows the answer before Sam says it. 

 

"Their jizz." Ugh of course, Dean thinks. 

 

"Sometimes this job is too weird, even for me. So you can do the exorcism since you're better at Latin and I will be the bait." Dean leans back in his chair, crossing his fingers in hope that Sam will agree with him because Dean doesn't do jizz. Nope. 

 

"Sounds like a deal. You'll go to the bar and then I'll wait outside and when you leave with it I'll follow and exorcise it. There is a warehouse nearby the bar, I'll set up the exorcism there. Meet you later tonight." Sam slams his laptop closed and grabs his 'go to' duffle bag and heads out the motel door. 

 

"Well bye then." Dean says to the empty room, taking a sip of Sam's beer. 

 

*

 

Dean has been sitting at the bar for thirty minutes now and so far no sign of anything. He's only had one glass of whiskey so that he's still aware and awake. Sam texted him ten minutes ago that he's all set up in the warehouse. The older hunter tries not to think about how Sam had to jack off so they can do this. It's weird and Dean wants to go back to the bunker asap. 

 

"Hey there." Someone leans on the table next to Dean. It's a women, she has pale skin and beautiful blonde hair. Her lips are big and plump just big her tits. Her body is probably supposed to distract people from the littlest neon tint in her almost black eyes. 

 

"Hey." Dean leans back in his chair, smirking at the incubus.

 

"My name is Angel." 

 

"Dean." He smiles, and plays with his empty glass. 

 

"This may sound a little weird but I read people and your sexual aura is all outta wack." She leans close to Dean, their faces only inches apart. She doesn't read people, Dean knows she's bluffing but she's somehow right. "I can fix that if you want," her long nails run up Dean's arm. 

 

"You get straight to the point I like that." Dean leans in, but he's far enough to pull away if she tries to kiss him. He doesn't want her nasty green spit. 

 

"What do you say? Let's get out of here." She grabs his hand and begins to pull. He follows her outside the bar, running his hands up and down her sides, brushing against her ass and boobs each time. 

 

"My place is too far." He pants, trying to appear horny. 

 

"Let's fuck right here." Dean looks around at the dark ground and then around their surroundings. 

 

"What about there?" Dean vaguely points in the directions of the warehouse, resting his left hand on her ass. She thinks for a minute, a minute too long so Dean squeezes her ass. 

 

"Yeah," she breathes out and pulls Dean's free hand rushing to the warehouse. Dean continues to feel her up as they travel, he doesn't dare kiss her though. The hunter says behind her grinding into her and touching her thighs and boobs and ass. She's moaning with him, her eyes glowing brighter each time she looks back at Dean. She's feeding right not but what he's doing to her is probably just an appetizer. 

 

They break into the warehouse door, it's dark and a bit damp inside. Dean doesn't see Sam anywhere and Dean hopes he set up on the first floor. She turns around once they get inside and reaches up to Dean's face, one hand gripping his neck tighter than necessary. 

 

"Kiss me." She moans, her eyes glowing so green they hurt Dean's eyes a bit. The hunter leans forward, praying Sam will come out. He can't do this, can he? If he kisses her and they kill her will Dean not be asexual anymore? He's tried to accept it but it's kind of hard when he's met no one like it. No one that will expect him. 

 

He makes a decisions fast. Dean kisses her slightly. His mouth fills with her saliva, it's basically drowning him. She's probably the worst kisser Dean's experienced but then again she is trying to kill him. He wonders how long her venom takes to work. The hunter pulls away, she smirks at him and leans in for another kiss. 

 

"Your kiss won't work on him." Sam steps out from the shadows, a book in his hand and a bowl of what Dean is guessing is his sperm and some herbs. Dean just stares at Sam, what was that comment. What is he getting at? 

 

"Hunter." The incubus hisses and crouches in a low stance while moving her hand to Dean's throat. She's surprisingly strong as she picks him off the ground. "You can't kill me." She hisses again, her eyes glowing bright now. Dean hasn't moved, just staring at Sam. So confused and alarmed. "I have your friend here." She stands back up, pushing Dean flush against the wall. His feet dangle as he hold him up, her nails digging into him. He fights her hand which has tightened around his throat.

 

"Your powers won't work on him." Sam pulls out a lighter and drops into the bowl, it lights brightly next to him as he begins to chant the exorcism.  _What is Sam getting at?_  

 

"No!" She growls, leaning forward and pushing her tongue into a distracted Dean. She taste disgusting. 

 

"Ew fuck!" He spits back at her. The incubus looks horrified at Dean as she leans in again and kisses him harder. It's even more gross the third time. 

 

"What? What is wrong with you?" She shouts, her body twitching from Sam's exorcist. Hopefully he's almost done. "No!" She shouts at Sam and kisses Dean one last time. Choking him as she does it. Again he spits it at her. She chokes him harder, his vision blacking. 

 

"H-hurry -am." He croaks out, fuck she has a tight grip. 

 

"Die bitch." He hears Sam say, the exorcism finishes. She releases Dean and falls onto the ground. He falls with her, his back against the damp wall as he grips at his throat, taking deep breaths. Her body withers on the damp warehouse floor and Dean stares as her eyes dim to black. "You okay, man?" Sam asks, checking the dead body's to make sure it's gone. 

 

"Throat just hurts a bit." He coughs out, ignoring the look Sam is giving him. What did Sam mean? How did he know that she wouldn't work on Dean? Does Sam know that Dean is asexual? No, no no. "Let's just go." Dean croaks out, reaching up for Sam's hand to help him up. 

 

"You going to be okay? She's dead so no effects of her salvia right?" Sam asks, opening the warehouse door. 

 

"No. Just felt like she was trying to drown me with it." Dean mumbles out, clearing and rubbing his throat.  

 

*

 

It's been three days and Dean has only left his room to piss and eat. Sam doesn't comment on how he's staying in his room more. The tall hunter found a box in the library that he seems to think is more interesting than finding a new case. Dean is okay with it. He mostly just lays in bed and ponders with his headphones blasting. 

 

Why didn't he get effected by the incubus? Why did Sam know the incubus wouldn't affect him? Does Sam know he is asexual? Does he think he's a freak? Does Dean want to ask Sam the truth? Why has Sam made so many sex comments towards Dean? Why is Dean being bitch about this? Why why _why!?_  

 

Dean cries in the shower on night two. 

 

If you ask him he'll shoot you with his new shotgun he stole. Actually, that doesn't sound like a bad idea. The hunter swings his legs off the bed and pulls his headphones out of his ears. Slowly he makes his way through the bunker, rushing past the library where Sam sits, and down to the shooting range in the basement. 

 

"You're a beaut." He tells the gun once he picks it up. It's light in his hands and moves smoothly unlike his older one that gets stuck if you pull to hard and then you have to jimmy it to get it to work. Such a hassle. There are three sheet targets at the end of the range, one further and smaller than the one before it. He lines up with the first one. 

 

_Bang._

 

The sound shocks him for a second, it's loud in this large echo space and Dean doesn't wear ear protection. Why would he when he doesn't have them when it actually uses it. Image, Dean Winchester asking a ghost to hold on one second while he puts his head gear on so that he can shoot. He's already slightly deaf in his left ear so who cares if it gets worse. 

 

He lines up with the second target. Bang! The paper is in shreds now. He reloads and lines up for the last target. 

 

_Bang!_  The third target is in shreds as well. 

 

"Damn, I'm good." Dean smiles at his work. "I could shoot blindfolded." 

 

"Please don't." Dean jumps a bit and turns to the door where Sam has just entered. 

 

"Fuck Sam, for a giant you sure know how to sneak around." His brother just shrugs at him. "Do you need anything?" It comes off ruder than Dean intended. 

 

"Just checking up on you." Sam walks more into the room, his large feet don't echo on the stone floor. Tall and lanky yet smooth. 

 

"Well thanks but I'm a grown man I can check myself. Also I raised you so there is  _no_  reason why you are checking on me." Dean snaps the gun open. 

 

"You've been acting strange lately." Sam gives him the puppy dog eyes and while they're cute it makes Dean roll his eyes. 

 

"Seriously? Sam just," he sighs, "let's just not." 

 

"Not what? Talk about why you've been completely hiding away in your room? Walking around with your headphones in so I can't talk to you?" Sam waves his hands and raises his voice a bit. He's obviously been irritated for a while. "I'm your brother Dean. I'm your hunting partner just talk to me and maybe we can fix whatever you're doing." He sounds almost begging now. 

 

"No." Dean lifts up the gun and shoots the wall. 

 

"Are you-?" Sam takes a step forward and reaches for the gun. Dean grips it tight and yanks back. "Give me it Dean." He growls, pulling it back. 

 

"No. It's mine." Dean says, pulls back again. They probably look ridiculous, fighting over a gun like two kids fighting over a toy. 

 

"I know. But we are going to talk." Sam yanks harder. 

 

"No." Dean pulls too hard this time causing Sam's grip to slip and the side of the gun to smack into his face. "Ah fuck!" The gun clashes to the floor. 

 

"Shit, Dean are you okay?" Sam's voice doing a 360 from annoyed to worried. Dean holds his nose as he glares at his brother. 

 

"You want the gun so bad the take it!" He shouts, his voice a little muffled from where his hand covers it. "And if you wanna talk go to the bathroom, look in the mirror and talk to yourself because I sure as hell ain't." The hunter pushes Sam outta the way and storms out of the room. 

 

*

 

Its four days later, a week since the incubus case and Dean hasn't seen nor heard Sam. It's quiet in the bunker. Even when Dean got wasted and blasted his favorite album for three hours it still felt too quiet. There's no sound of Sam flipping book pages or ruffling through paper. No loud groans and pops from when he stretches his back and legs after sitting for too long. The only proof that Sam is even in the bunker is the cup of coffee he makes for Dean each morning. 

 

He also left a water and two Tylenol the morning after the older hunter got wasted. Dean wanted to cry at that because he fell just a bit harder for his brother. He went looking for him that day, but he was nowhere to be found. But today when Dean goes to get his coffee he sees a note next to his mug. 

 

It reads:

_Gone for more coffee grounds._

 

"Pretty shitty note." Dean wouldn't have noticed he was even gone, it’s not like he's seen his brother. He misses him, his tall built stature and Sam's puppy dog dimpled face. Most of the time Dean wishes he would have went to Stanford with Sam or maybe even kisses him within the last eight years. Or hell, maybe had the balls to talk to Sam about his feelings. Dean will die (permanently) and will hold so many secrets Sam doesn't know about. 

 

That night Dean stares at the ceiling. 

 

*

 

The next morning is neither a mistake nor an answer. 

 

Dean has been standing in the doorway to the kitchen for at least ten minutes. His cup of coffee is still warm and steaming where it sits on the counter. There is an item next to it though that has Dean petrified. It's a model flag. Standing a few inches above the coffee. See, that's not shocking it's the colors of the flag that make Dean finally move a few steps forward. Black, grey, white and a purple stripe create the flag. 

 

It's the asexual flag. 

 

Dean's seen pictures online and knows what it looks like. But he's also smart enough to delete his search history afterwards. His brother is smart with computers so maybe he found what Dean was searching? No matter what though, Sam knows and Dean can't tell if he's mocking him or not. 

 

Quickly, he grabs his coffee and leaves the kitchen. His hand knocks over the flag.  Dean doesn't know to think when he sips the same crappy coffee he had yesterday because Sam sure as hell didn't go out and buy more yesterday. 

 

 

*

 

The next morning Dean doesn't dare even leave his room for coffee. Instead at 3pm when he opens his door to pee a somehow warm cup sits outside his door as well as the flag. Suddenly Dean doesn't have to pee anymore. 

 

He cries himself to sleep thinking about the flag outside his door. 

 

*

 

It's a Monday when Dean gets cabin fever. He pours the coffee that Sam has made him into a to-go container (Sam's idea and purchase) and rushes to his baby. The leather seats and fall weather feel good against his body as he drives around the blank plains. There is nothing near the bunker just a couple dirt roads and miles of grass. It's quiet and nice but Dean soon finds himself in the next town over where he stops for some grub. 

 

The gas station is small. He grabs some salty snacks and a KitKat bar. 

 

"Seems like you're a teenager eater." The middle aged clerk tells him as he rings up the food. 

 

"What can I say, I like the junk food." Dean smiles, it's nice to actually talk to someone again. 

 

When Dean gets back to the bunker he goes into the kitchen and sets the KitKat bar in front of the coffee machine. He knows it's Sam's favorite. 

 

*

 

Its two days later when Dean's body decides to wake up at asso'clock. He grunts and shuffles his way into the kitchen, smelling the sweet coffee waiting for him. Or actually just brewing coffee as Sammy stands in front of the coffee machine. It's the first time Dean's seen him in two weeks. He looks like shit yet handsome. 

 

"Morning." Dean whispers as he slides into a chair at the table. Sam blinks at him before turning back to the coffee machine. 

 

"Thanks for the KitKat bar, those are my favorite." Sam speaks. 

 

"Yeah I know. Uh, I mean you're welcome." Dean stares at his hands. They should probably talk. He knows it's the right decision. Sam seems to know his biggest secret well besides Dean being in love with him. 

 

"We should talk." They say in unison. Dean smiles at Sam who returns it as he leans his back against the counter. He's wearing sweatpants and a loose white t-shirt with major bed head. He's stunning. 

 

"After my coffee though." Dean smiles brighter. 

 

Sam and Dean have been staring at each other and sipping their coffee for about fifteen minutes now. There is tension in the air and Dean wishes Sam would just start talking already because Dean sure as hell isn't going to. 

 

"Start." Dean finally says. 

 

"I don't know what you wanna hear." Sam blinks slowly at him. "There's been a lot things I wanna talk about but I don't know which one you wanna talk about right now." 

 

"All of them. Let's just get it all on the table and all over with." He roughs out. 

 

"Okay," his brother nods, "let's start big I guess. Why didn't you come to Stanford with me?" 

 

Oh, wow. Dean was not expecting this. 

 

"Wish I had a beer so I could rip off the label." He thinks out loud. "I wanted you to live and enjoy your life. I wanted you to be free of hunting." Dean sighs. 

 

"I could have done just that with you at my side." 

 

"No you couldn't have," Dean shakes his head, "I need hunting you just tolerate it. If I went with you I would have left not even two weeks later to go hunting." 

 

"We haven't been hunting for almost a month, you seem fine to me." Sam points out. 

 

"That's true but it's different now, I'm older now. More tired and we kinda have a home here at the bunker." He bites his tongue before he blurts out how he loves it where with Sam. 

 

"What about after Stanford? After Jess?" Sam looks hurt and Dean knows what he's asking but acts dumb. 

 

"What about it?" 

 

"Why didn't we kiss or make any move? What was stopping us from getting together?" 

 

My fear of not knowing if you would accept me as asexual. 

 

"I'm not sure Sammy. Dad was missing and it wasn't really on the top of my mind." 

 

"What about now? Would you kiss me now?" Sam is breathless for some reason and hope lines in his eyes. It only hurts Dean more. 

 

"No." There's silence for thirty seconds. 

 

"Why?" Sam's face is unreadable now. 

 

"Because, because of reasons." He can't say it. 

 

"What reasons?" Sam spits out, not angry but hurt as if it's something wrong with Sam and not Dean. 

 

"Why did you tell the incubus that her saliva wouldn't work on me? How did you know?" Sam just blinks at him and points to the end of the table. Dean just now noticed the flag staring at him, haunting him. Dean probably looks crazy with how wide his eyes are. 

 

"How- how did," he squeezes his eyes shut. The word freak floats across the back of his eyelids. This is it, he thinks. This is Sam laughing at him and kicking him outta the bunker, out of his life. 

 

"I've pieced it together over a couple years." Sam's voice gives away no feelings. A tear slips out of Dean's closed eyes. 

 

"H-How?" He stutters. Dean doesn't feel like himself anymore since when does the eldest Winchester stutter and cry. 

 

Oh yeah, since he's about to lose his brother. 

 

"Mostly just little things. How people would hit on you at bars and you would go along but soon flinch away when they touched you. The nights you would come home from parties smelling like vomit even though you were completely sober." Dean freezes when he feels a hand on his face wiping away his tears. 

 

He's a pussy.  

 

"And then that one day I came home to your hand bleeding after you punched that mirror," Dean remembers that, that was his lowest teenage moment. He hates thinking about it, "you told me that you were different and that you thought you were a freak-." 

 

"I was and I still am." Dean's eyes shoot open at Sam's dry chuckle. 

 

"You think you were the freak? But it was me. I told you that night that I was different too. While you were talking about being asexual-"  _Welp!_  There it is, finally said from someone's mouth other than Dean's. "-I was talking about being in love with my brother. Trust me Dean I think incest is worse." 

 

"You were I love with me back then?" Sam laughs again, his hand traveling to hold Dean's. 

 

"Of course Dean. I've been in love with you for as long as I can remember. That day with your hand remember how I made you buy me condoms and lube?" Dean nods, his tears have dried. "It was to make you jealous but for some reason you couldn't seem to care less. It hurt but when I came home go find a bottle of lube at the bottom on the trash I pieced a few things together." The older hunter blushes at that, what did Sammy think Dean did with that. 

 

"Oh." 

 

"Yeah." Sam whispers, it's quiet again the only sounds coming from where Sam's calloused thumb rubs against Dean's hand. 

 

"I still love you, you know." Dean's voice isn't a volume higher than the quietest whispers. Sam stops moving his thumb but doesn't let go as Dean continues. "I wanted to go to Stanford with you but- but I couldn't. And when I got you back I didn't wanna attack you after Jess, I wanted to give you space and then time just ran on. Things went crazy. We did wild things. We died. And I couldn't find the time to tell you." Dean is talking slow, thinking of his words carefully. They still sound like shit though. "And then one day after Cas and I got back from purgatory I thought I could tell you. We were hunting again and Cas was back with the angels and we got the bunker and everything was right. Everything expect me." 

 

Dean looks at the flag at the end of the table. Still unsure of its gesture. 

 

"I'm a freak Sammy. I hate sex okay. I don't get turned on and frankly it grosses me out. I've tried it, multiple times. I fake getting laid I fake being sexually attracted I fake it all." 

 

"How does this all make you a freak?" 

 

"I'm asexual!" Dean snorts, "Everyone that knows about it has called me it! A freak! Some punk from when I was ten and then a whole gang on teenagers at a party! Hell even Dad called me a freak!" Dean tears his hand away from Sam and wipes his face. He's crying again and maybe it's because he's about to lose Sam or maybe because he's never said any of this out loud. 

 

This, this is Dean Winchester for you, holding  _everything_  in until  _bam!_  He's crying in front of his brother completely ashamed and embarrassed. 

 

"Dad knew?" Sam's looks dumb right now. 

 

"Not really. Once I asked him about people who don't like sex and he said they're freaks. So I fought him on it and he just yelled at me."

 

"Did he hit you?" Sam whispers. He knows the answer so Dean stays silent. Only Dean got beat when he talked back, not Sammy. Just the perfect solider Dean. Sam hates that man. 

 

The bunker stays silent for another five minutes before Sam speaks again. 

 

"I don't need sex from you to love you, you know." Dean blinks at him. 

 

"Sex is the most intimate thing." Dean mocks young Sammy. 

 

"When you think of intimate what do you think of?" Sam asks. Dean plays along with his game, whatever Sam's getting at. 

 

"Holding hands, spending time together, kissing and-" he whispers the next word, "cuddling." God, he's gone soft. 

 

"I can do that- no, we can do that." His brother says, Dean tilts his head at him. 

 

"What are you getting at?" 

 

"I love you Dean Winchester," Sam rolls his eyes, "I love you and the fact that you're asexual." 

 

"Are you fucking with me?" Dean stands up and prepares to run. 

 

"Why else did I buy you that flag Dean? It was to show that I expect you. I'm not trying to mock you. I just wanna love you." Sam stands up and takes four steps forward towards Dean. They're about half a foot apart and for some reason Sam seems much taller than 6"4. 

 

"Uh, I-." Dean's eyes switch from Sam's face to the flag and then to the kitchen door. 

 

"Do you love me back? Do you wanna be with me?" Sam breathes out as he reaches for Dean's limp hand.  

 

"You're serious? You love me? Asexual and all?" Dean steps half an inch closer to Sam. 

 

"Duh, yes Dean." He rolls his eyes. Dean hopes they get stuck that way. 

 

"Perfect." The hunter smiles before reaching up and kisses Sam. It's warm and he taste like coffee and home. Just like before Stanford, all this time later and he's still home. Sam deepens the kiss as Dean places his arms around his younger yet taller brother’s neck.

 

"Let me know if I go too far or something." Sam says into Dean's mouth their foreheads together. "I don't know your limits." 

 

"I'll punch you if you go too far." Dean smiles and looks into Sam's eyes.  _Love_. 

 

"Sounds like you." Sam pushes back in for another kiss. Sex Dean can't do but love his brother that he can very much do. In the back of Dean's mind he's waiting for Sam to pull away, call him a freak and laugh but the thought quickly fades when Sam smiles into the kiss. 

 

*

 

Dean wakes up next to his brother and it's all so surreal. Of course Sam is already awake; that boy wakes up at asso'clock no matter what. They're in Sam's bed because it's longer for his lanky ass body. Dean is lying on his stomach with his arms wrapped around the pillow while Sam lies comfortably on his back with his arm behind his head. 

 

"Morning." Dean mumbles, half his face still in the pillow so he looks at Sam with one eye. 

 

"Hey." The younger Winchester reaches a hand out and runs his hand through Dean's hair. He blushes. It's all still weird to him- well it's only been 24 hours since they  _finally_  got together. They made out mostly, watched a movie, sat in the library listening to Dean's music choices while Sam read some dumb papers, then they showered (separate) and went to bed (together). 

 

"What time is it?" Dean groans as he rolls onto his back and stretches.

 

"Only 9." Sam scoots up so his back is against the headboard, the blankets falling showing his shirtless chest. 

 

"Hmm, nice." Dean winks and nods to Sam's chest. 

 

"You think I'm hot?" Dean scoots up and sits next to Sam. 

 

"I mean yeah," he shrugs, "if you're wondering I'm attracted to you but not sexually." He runs a hand over his face, "I mean I can appreciate and notice a good body and you sure as hell have one." 

 

"I'm touched." Sam laughs, placing a hand over his ant-possession tattoo causing Dean to glance down at his own. There are a couple and have matching tattoos: cliché. Dean leans in for a kiss. 

 

"You're breath fucking stinks." Dean whispers into Sam's warm mouth.

 

"Yours isn't any better." Sam's tongue slips into Dean's mouth. And fuck- Dean's kissed a good amount of people but Sam does this thing with his tongue. No wonder everyone he fucks dies, he must be murderously good. 

 

Dean places a hand on Sam's bicep to pull him closer into their lazy make out session. He runs his hand up and down before resting on Sam's neck. He grips the ends of Sam's hair and plays with them lightly. His hair is soft and long; Dean never wants it cut off. He shutters a bit as Sam places a large hand on his arm. He relaxes quickly as Sam shifts on the bed. Soon the hunters hand moves to Dean's chest as his brother slowly pushes him away. 

 

"What's wrong?" Dean asks with his fingers still twisted in the ends of Sam's hair. 

 

"Um, nothing." He coughs and shifts on the bed again. "Just gotta pee." 

 

"Sam wait." Dean grabs onto Sam's wrist and hesitates for a second. "Are you hard?" 

 

"It's the morning and you're a good kisser and yeah." He blushes and looks anywhere but Dean's face with a hand on his crotch. "I'm sorry. It's- I just can't help it. You're so perfect and this is all my wildest dreams and now you're probably regretting yesterday because I'm making you uncomfortable and I-." 

 

"Sam shut up for a second will you." And he does. He looks hurt and sad and Dean hates himself. "I get it okay. You're hard but I-I can help." Dean lies. 

 

"No." His answer is stern. 

 

"Sam I've done it before I don't mind." Dean reaches for Sam's crotch but his brother jumps out of the bed quickly. 

 

"I said no, Dean." 

 

"Why not? If you're gonna be stuck with me then I can get you off-." 

 

"I said no, Dean! Are you deaf?" Dean stands up on the other side of the bed now irritated at Sam. 

 

"I'm not gonna have you have blue balls the rest of your life!"

 

"Dean." Sam looks away, "I'll tell you what I told you yesterday. I love you and I don't need sex from you. Yeah every now and then I'll get hard but that's normal when I'm around you. I'm never gonna ask you to get me off just ten minutes so I can jack off in the bathroom." Dean rubs a hand over his face. 

 

"I'll jack you off-." 

 

"Oh my god! Sometimes I forget how thick you are Dean-." 

 

"Hey!"

 

"-do you wanna jack me off?" Sam has to shout over Dean's mumbling. 

 

"I-I yeah yeah I do." He lies. 

 

"You do? Really? Is that why you look like you'd rather be anywhere else? I'm not going to make you uncomfortable so I can come." Sam's hand has gone from his crotch, his cock obviously soft now but the conversation is still very much hard. 

 

"Well I'm not going to make you go through life uncomfortable and hard. So just let me." Dean moves quickly to get in front of Sam. "Please." He begs. 

 

"I love you." Sam tells him as he places both hands on Dean's face. "And I'm not going to  _ever_  ask you to do something that you're clearly uncomfortable with. So, let's get this on the table. I'm gonna get hard but please don't ask to get me off or get upset about it. I might need a few minutes to calm down. Like I said yesterday I don't need sex to live I just need you." 

 

"God that was the most chick flick thing you've ever said." Dean smiles. 

 

"Shut up, you like chick flicks." Sam laughs and walks down to the bathroom. He actually just pees so don't worry. 

 

*

 

It's been a month since Sam and Dean have finally got together. They're corny as hell sometimes but not much has changed. The only thing that's changed is that they sleep in Sam's bed together (their bed now I guess, Dean's moved most of his items in the room by now), and they kiss a lot more. Sam has only gotten hard two other times but when that happened he excused himself with a peck to Deans cheek. The older hunter was always right when he talked about how much of a romantic Sam is. And it's going to be proven tonight because Sam told him to dress nice because he is taking him out. 

 

"What should I wear?" Dean asked early this morning. 

 

"Just dress nice but comfortable." Sam smiled. "I'll meet you at the impala at 6:30 sharp." And he walked away. 

 

So that was at about 2pm and now its 5:30 so Dean makes his way to his room where all of his clothes are. He isn't sure what is considered nice, probably his fed suit because he only owns flannels and green jackets. Nervously Dean grabs a nicer flannel and one of his nicer jackets. He slips into a cleaner pair of jeans and goes into the bathroom down the hall to do his hair. 

 

"Dean." Sam startles him from the doorway. Quiet yet huge. "There a huge snow storm outside so I'm just going to put a frozen pizza in the oven."

 

"Oh, man I was kinda excited to be wooed by you." He smiles as Sam rolls his eyes at him. 

 

"God you're annoying." Sam turns and walks down the hall. "Dinner at 6:30 still." He shouts at Dean. 

 

Soon enough it's time for dinner and Dean walks around the bunker and into the kitchen. The frozen pizza is cooked and placed on the table with two paper plates and beers. Dean snorts at their lameness 

 

"Lame I know." Sam appears beside him. Dean should get him a bell. His brother is wearing basically the same as Dean; his nicest flannel and jeans. He's wearing just socks and obviously had no effort to tame his hair. 

 

"Very lame. It's lamer than that time you got a part in the play as a tree." Sam rolls his eyes at him. 

 

"Here." He pulls out a single red rose from behind his back. 

 

"Dude." Dean blushes and laughs. "This is so lame. I mean- a red rose. That means you love me." He jokes. 

 

"You know you fucking like that rose so don't laugh." Sam rolls his eyes again and smiles. "So let's sit and eat I know you're starving." 

 

"No rabbit food for you?" Dean gestures to the pizza as he sits down. 

 

"It's called a cheat meal." Sam sits down across from him. 

 

"You're a cheat meal." And for another time that night Sam rolls his eyes. 

 

"So where was this date gonna be at before Mother Nature decided to snow on our parade?" Dean asks as he shoves a slice into his mouth. 

 

"I made a reservation at this burger place that's a town over. It has good reviews on yelp so I thought you would enjoy it."

 

"This is nice too." Dean smiles at Sam. He's so happy right now, they both are. 

 

"Yeah. This way you can eat the whole pie and the only person that will judge you is me." Sam smirks as Dean's eyes light up.

 

"There's pie?" A piece of the crust falls out of his mouth. His younger brother just nods at him and takes a sip from his beer. Dean really loves the man in front of him. God he loves him. "You're amazing you know that. Pie and pizza. God I love you." He tells Sam and stretches across the table to kiss him. 

 

"You're the biggest dork sometimes." Sam tells him when he sits back down. 

 

"Yeah but you love me." Dean smirks. 

 

"Yeah I do." Sam smiles back. And later that night Sam gives him a present. It's a bracelet, an asexual flag bracelet. Dean kisses him senseless and tells him he loves him again. Sam repeats it with a smile and kisses Dean again. 

 

"I know that this may sound crazy but there's another pie for tomorrow." Sam whispers to him. 

 

"Yeah? God you sure know how to woo a guy." Sam smiles brightly and Dean kisses him hard. 

 

This is it, this is Dean's happiness.  _Finally_.   
  
---  
  
 

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! I hoped you liked the fic I worked very hard on it. Don't be afraid to give kudos or comments (be nice or else). if you have any suggestions or constructive criticism please comment them also. 
> 
> If you wanna contact me you can find me at the following: 
> 
> Twitter: sweetkissesdean  
> Curious cat: https://curiouscat.me/Sweetkissesdean  
> tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/thestartofthebeginning 
> 
> Thank you again for reading!


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